There are many quick ways to pull yourself together when you want to raise your voice: take a few deep breaths, leave the room, count to 10.
But the situations will definitely be repeated, so it is much more effective to find the reasons for the child's disobedience, which most often lead to screams. When a mother understands the reasons for a child's behavior, she is able to make the right decisions.
▪️Reasons for child disobedience
▫️Reason #1. The child lacks attention
Lack of attention is the most common reason for child disobedience. Judge for yourself: you are talking on the phone, a child approached you for the first time, to show what he drew, you did not react; the second time he came up, you waved him off; the third time he broke the vase - that will distract you from the conversation, won't it? Most likely, you will scold him or even punish him. So he received his portion of attention, albeit negative.
On a subconscious level, the child comes to understand that if he behaves well, he is not noticed, and if he behaves badly ... Mom herself reinforces the wrong behavior by shouting, forming a vicious circle.
What is quality attention? This is when the mother put aside all her affairs, listened to the child, explained something, hugged, spent some time with him. If you are busy, take half a minute to tell your son or daughter that you will be able to pay attention to him after a while. Or agree that he can come up to you at any time, snuggle up, and you will definitely hug and stroke him, no matter what you do.
Any contact goes into the treasury of attention: touching, listening, playing together. For the sake of experiment, try to allocate the child 2 times 15 minutes a day (conditional time, but not less than half an hour) exclusively for spending time together, without distractions and phones. And it is important to do at this time what exactly he wants, without moralizing and education.
Gradually accumulating these impressions, the child will feel an ever greater emotional connection with you. His “piggy bank” of attention will be replenished daily, and his behavior will change for the better. Yes, it will take time, but the result will definitely come.
▫️Reason number 2. Willingness to manifest one's will
From a very young age, children begin to actively show their "I". It is important for them to understand that they have control over at least something. Parents need to learn to accept the fact that the child has his own opinion, and he may not agree with something.
“In relation to adults, we have an understanding that we have no right to force them to do anything, to put pressure on them. But for some reason, there is no such understanding in relation to children. This is how the spring effect manifests itself: parents press, press, but sooner or later the spring will straighten, sweeping away everything in its path. However, it is important to understand that respect for the personality of the child is not permissiveness at all. Rules and boundaries are necessary, with them the child is safer. Respect is the ability of a parent to convey their opinion psychologically competently, not shouting.
Children need to be negotiated, explained, clarified, taught through joint actions. It is important to lure kids with what they are interested in, connect the game and fantasy. This does not mean that you need to be an animator for your children, but if you have at least 20% of the resources for such entertainment, there will already be a qualitatively new level of relations.
▫️Reason number 3. Physiology
The cause of disobedience may be overexcitation, hunger, lack of sleep, adaptation in the garden or to any new circumstances (for example, a new family member has appeared or the family has changed their place of residence).
The simplest solution is to eliminate the cause if it can be done quickly, or give the little person the support and attention they need so much. Children very quickly adapt to the ever-changing world around them. You just need to be there during difficult times for them.
▪️Timeout in 7 seconds
When we get angry, we experience strong emotions, the most ancient areas of the brain that are responsible for emotions are activated. And for the ability to think, comprehend the situation and act rationally, a younger zone is responsible - the cerebral cortex, which at this moment seems to be “dozing”. That is why, when emotions “cover” us, we become unable to think constructively. If a mother takes out her anger on a child, he also experiences strong emotions - fear, resentment - and, accordingly, cannot literally understand what you want from him. Another vicious circle.
Yours, Galina Khasanova
Hebrew University of Jerusalem
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