The child became anxious and fearful when a second baby appeared in the family.

▪️Question from mom:

My eldest son is now 2 years old, we were looking forward to the appearance of our youngest child and paid a lot of attention to ensuring that jealousy between children does not become a problem for us.

When the baby appeared, we tried to share the care of the children in such a way that the elder did not feel abandoned. The husband took the main care of the firstborn, and I, of course, paid more attention to the baby.

After some time, I began to notice that my son began to be afraid to be alone in the room, looks scared, wakes up from nightmares and often comes running to me in search of affection. My husband is strict but kind. I know for a fact that he never used physical punishment or yelled at a child.

However, the son persistently wants to spend time with me, hangs in my arms and refuses to go play and walk with dad. It takes a long time to persuade and beg him to stay with his father, even for a short time. When you ask, "Why don't you want to be with dad?" He says he's afraid. He behaves similarly with other family members. Neither grandma nor grandpa can distract him from his fears. They say that when visiting them, the son behaves very anxiously, often sits quietly alone in a secluded place, refuses to eat and sleeps very restlessly. Recently, he began to complain of pain in his head and stomach.

Could my husband in any way provoke the appearance of such behavior in a child? Why did the son become so anxious and fearful?

▪️Psychologist's answer:

At the birth of a second child, there is a change in the existing emotional relationships in the family. No matter what measures are taken, it will never be possible to completely avoid the problem of childish jealousy, and this jealousy can manifest itself not only in aggression, but also in other forms of behavior that are designed to return the attention of the mother.

A child is jealous not only in those cases when less attention is paid to him. Sometimes the firstborn needs the attention of the mother. After all, it was she who used to be the main source of tenderness, warmth and affection. The father can take on most of the care of the older child, but it is impossible to replace the mother's participation.

The first-born, in his desire to regain the lost favor of his mother, can use various tricks: aggression, tears, whims, tantrums, etc. But soon the baby realizes that one method works best: it is worth getting sick or being afraid of something, and the mother again belongs to him - she caresses, cares, and persuades.

Gradually, this stereotype of behavior is strengthened. In order not to find himself again in a new, traumatic situation for him of emotional forgetfulness of his mother, the child “inflates” his fears. Mom herself involuntarily provokes him to this - she shows increased attention just at those moments when it would be worth attracting her father, showing the boy that it is a man who is able to cope with all the monsters and monsters in his life.

It cannot be unequivocally said that the child deliberately manipulates the parents in this situation. Rather, he acts unconsciously. After all, a child cannot play nightmares in a dream, anxiety and anxiety really undermine his psyche from the inside. Due to the lack of mother's warmth, the child can really sleep poorly and start to get sick.

Research shows that at the age of 2, children often fear the disappearance of their mother and the lack of help. There are also cases when, because of this, neuroses appeared and stuttering arose. Thus, nighttime restlessness acts as a subtle indicator of the daytime troubles of the child, the lack of confidence in the strength and inviolability of the family emotional environment.

▪️Follow these guidelines:

📍Talk to your older child in a quiet and calm environment. It is necessary to convince him of his uniqueness and assure him of the sincerity of your feelings: “A new person has appeared in our family, I love him with all my heart and with all my soul, but I love you LONGER. And so it will always be.”

📍When the baby begins to behave obsessively and say that he is afraid to be without you - do not scold the child, do not use force, trying to force him to do something, and do not immediately stop calming and persuading him. Instead, sit down and hug your baby. Don't say a word or do anything, just hug and wait. Do not let the child go until he wants to free himself. Then say, "I love you very much, although I can't always make time for you alone." I'm always happy to hug you, come whenever you want.

📍Teach your child to be independent by teaching him self-care skills. Entrust the child with household duties appropriate for his age: laying out cutlery and napkins on the table, putting sliced bread on a plate, etc. The main thing is that the child understands that he is contributing a part of his work to the common cause. Praise and encourage your child for any manifestation of independence.

📍Try to be less overreacting to your child's anxious behavior, but don't dismiss or ridicule their fears.

📍Find time to fight the scary stories. Entrust the work to "the strongest strongman in the family" - dad.

There are many different methods to get rid of the fears of the child. For example, you can draw a portrait of fear on a piece of paper, and then paint it over with paint and send it on a long journey to a magical land, etc.

In order for this method of dealing with fears to work, it is necessary that the child himself does all the manipulations with paint, paper and glue, and in the process of playing and creating, not just draw and fold, but talk about exactly how his fear looks, where he lives what he eats, what he enjoys, and what he is afraid of, whether he has friends or not, how long he lives, etc.

Of course, some kids need leading questions from adults, so you need to do all the work in tandem with mom or dad. Such a conversation is extremely necessary, since it is through this conversation that the child is freed from psychological stress, develops protective mechanisms that allow him to adequately respond to emerging fears, turns unconscious anxiety into something material and real, which he subsequently gets rid of.

Write in the comments below - did you like the psychologist's recommendations? 🙈

Yours, Emma Wiliiams

High School, Psychologist, Canada