In the previous article, we dealt in detail with the fact that the life of an adult is full of stress. What about children?
In fact, children have just as much stress in their lives if we look at it in terms of changes: new friends, a new teacher at school, a fight with friends, a change in hormonal levels.
But they don't have as much access to resources as we do. It is important to understand that in a child, most of the resources are tied to us, the parents: safety, food, home, protection. The parent is responsible for ensuring that the child is healthy, gets enough sleep, eats food that brings him energy. He has a resourceful parent, plus his own self-reliance, which, as you understand, we also help to nurture.
Therefore, when a child is hysterical, sleeps little, is naughty a lot, when something happens to him that you can describe as an “emotional storm”, it is important for us to remember: it is hard for him now, he needs me very much. And the worse and stronger the child's storm, the more he needs us.
Remember: a difficult child is a child who is difficult.
▪️9 Steps to Get Your Child Through an Emotional Storm
So what can we as parents do to get our child through the emotional storm and make them more resilient?
Step 1 "It's just an emotion"
When a child is in a strong emotion, remember, “It's just an emotion. What the child does in emotion is not the “real” child, what he says is not what he really thinks.”
It's just emotions. They will pass, but your relationship will remain. Do not spoil or ruin the relationship in a fit of emotions of the child. And do not make any decisions when the child is in strong emotions. Everything will be discussed later.
Step 2 "Safe Conditions"
We need to make sure that the child can now safely express these emotions. That he wouldn't fall out of the window, cut himself, hit his head against the wall. If he took his father's hammer and wants to hammer everything with it, our task is to replace the hammer with something soft.
Our main task is not to calm the child, but to create a safe environment for him to live emotions.
Step 3 "Resilient Adult in the Center of the Cyclone"
In moments of hysteria, you are like a safe buffer, you are “a big elephant in this terrible world”, with you the child is not afraid to express his emotions.
It is important to wait out the tantrum of the child, remaining in contact with him, not leaving him alone, ensuring his safety. Any hysteria is finite. It may be longer or shorter, but it cannot continue indefinitely. Inside the tantrum, the child does not control himself, so it is useless to demand from him "urgently calm down" or behave "normally".
If you can’t stop and wait, if you need to take the child away or do something, for example, you are at the dentist’s office, clear instructions will do: “follow me”, “drink some water”, “let’s go to the pens”, “put down this, take that.
If you can't stand the tantrum and feel like you're about to break loose, hand the baby over to a second adult, or take a step back and do one of the exercises in the last article and then come back.
When a child is hysterical, it is important to have a stable adult next to him.
Step 4 "Your reactions to his feelings"
Do not be afraid of the child's emotions. When a child experiences and expresses emotions, this is a healthy reaction to some kind of stress. Do not amplify this reaction with your anxiety.
It often happens that tantrums, emotional outbursts of the child, receive a lot of attention from the mother in the form of emotions, experiences, advice with everyone. And this collapses, is fixed for the child as the desired behavior: “Yeah, mom reacts to this. It works!"
Our fear and anxiety about the child's feelings can exacerbate them. If a child is afraid, and we worry a lot about his fears, he is even more afraid. Therefore, we must work with our anxiety!
Also, a sharp emotional reaction to the child’s feelings can cause him to feel guilty: “When I am angry, my mother is upset, which means I am to blame.” And a little later, when the child grows up, he adds guilt to this: “I worry, cry, and also worry my mother.” And his symptom may intensify.
With any emotion, the child pays attention to the reaction of the parent: “Well, fuck it, cry. Can. And I'll be there. Everything is fine and we will solve everything.”
Step 5 "Just be with the baby"
Do not calm down, but sympathize and go through this emotion with him.
What we most often say to a child when he cries: "Don't cry." Let's be honest, we adults, at least once in our lives, have been helped by advice: "Don't be angry, don't cry, don't be sad"?
What to do instead of convincing the child not to feel what he feels? Sympathize with him, take pity on him, tell how you were hurt once too, ask what upset him, STAY WITH HIM in this emotion.
Step 6 "Reflect your child's feelings and teach him how to deal with them"
When a child experiences pain, fear, anxiety, aggression, it is important, in addition to all that we have discussed above, to name these feelings for him, what is happening to him now.
That is, we not only name the emotion, but also offer 1-2 options for what can be done with it. For example: “I see that you are angry now, you can stomp your feet hard, shout, jump.” He may not yet have words and concepts to describe his feelings. And he needs an “instruction” - what is it called and what to do with it.
If you do not teach the child how to experience emotions, then he is unlikely to be able to do this at the moment of anger. Do this after the child has calmed down - you can tell him what you do when you are angry, you can even rehearse. Agree with him: next time: “When you get angry, we will go together to hit the pillow. How do you like this idea?
Step 7 "Check the child's resources"
Analyze what resource the child lacks and what stress is currently affecting him. Is he overloaded, perhaps he needs more sleep, more fresh air, more rest, sometimes medication, vitamin support.
Look for the cause of increased tantrums and emotional storms by first checking resources: school, home, help, nonviolent communication, food, health, friends, sleep.
Step 8 "Routine for a child"
For the psychological health of children, this is always important, but especially in “storms” - routines. The life of a child should be very predictable and understandable for him. Every evening we do this, every morning that, every Saturday that.
Routines are a very underrated tool and if you put them into practice, you will be surprised how positively it can affect! Routines can be daily, weekly or monthly. The main thing is that all participants like them. Routines are joy, not punishment. These are agreements and family traditions.
Step 9 "Family System"
Remember that the child is part of the family system and it is important for his health to pay attention to the relationships of all family members. Therefore, if you and your husband are in a long quarrel, then sometimes, for example, it is important to work not only with the child, but with the whole family.
▪️10 "life hacks" of working with the emotions of the child
And now you will learn 10 "life hacks" that will help you and your child.
1. Build a “offensive hut” at home;
2. Teach your child to deal with anger;
3. Organize a "sensory corner";
4. Technique "Draw your mood";
5. Exercise awareness of your emotions;
6. "Let's come up with a fairy tale together about how you feel...";
7. Technique for getting out of strong, overwhelming emotions;
8. If the child is tactile;
9. Technique "Grounding" or "5-4-3-2-1":
📍Name 5 things you can SEE around you.
📍Name 4 things you can TOUCH right now.
📍Name 3 things you can HEAR here.
📍Name 2 things that you can Smell right now.
📍Name 1 thing you can TASTE here and now.
10. Change the environment.
We wish you mutual understanding with your child!
If you liked the article, please share with your friends. And, as always, we welcome your comments and questions below 😌😍
Yours, Maria Altuhova,
Psychologist, Pedagogical University, Ukraine.
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